I am real­ly sick of life right now.

I real­ly don’t know why. I am tired of it. I am just fed up and done. Even shop­ping did­n’t make me feel bet­ter. (For those of you who real­ly know me… this is my ther­a­py.) Every­thing I bought I turned into a negative.

For instance, I bought this expen­sive com­po­nent cable that is used to make your DVD pic­ture real­ly clear. I have want­ed one for­ev­er, I final­ly got one today, and all I could think of was that I would now have to get behind my TV, mess with all that shit and try and get every­thing rewired and it would be too much work and it real­ly isn’t worth the has­sle. Now, nor­mal­ly I would be ecsta­t­ic and not wait to get it all set-up. I got it set-up, but I was just bitchin the whole time.

I guess I am just fed up with no mon­ey, not get­ting straight answers out of peo­ple when I ask them straight ques­tions, not enough time with my kids (I rarely get to see Court­ney… by the time she is home from school, I need to leave for work), I have no social life, I have only a few friends in this huge world and I don’t even get to hang out with any of them, no one reads this blog or even uses the forum.

That is one that real­ly gets me. I set up this forum, so that my fam­i­ly (which has a ton of inter­net users) could use it as a resource to share thoughts, recipes, news, tips, etc. I am the only one who ever post­ed and like 3 oth­er peo­ple. That is it. What a waste of space.

I set up this blog so that I could share my thoughts, my rage, my hap­pi­ness, news etc. with peo­ple I care about (since I am some­what of a recluse and just keep to my fam­i­ly) so that they could know what is going on in my life and so that on some lev­el we are still con­nect­ing. They can even leave com­ments on their thoughts to my thoughts and we can connect.

But no one reads it except me and maybe a few oth­ers… sporadically.

All these ideas I have and I can’t get them to go. I hate it.

I hate that I always feel tired. I hate that I am fat and no mat­ter what I try to do about it, some­thing stops me and I can’t move forward.

I hate that I am mate­ri­al­is­tic and want so much. Some­times more than needs. But I blame my upbring­ing for that. My dad and My great-aunt only knew how to show affec­tion by buy­ing things. My mom at least would always say I love you and hug me. I can­not remem­ber the last time my father’s fam­i­ly told me they tru­ly loved me oth­er than a “You know I love ya”

At least Amy’s par­ents both make me feel spe­cial. Her dad has claimed me as one of his own (so I have been told–he sure does make me feel like one of his own) and her mom calls me her Bert Baby and always makes me feel loved and accept­ed. So does the rest of Amy’s fam­i­ly. And my chil­dren. I can’t leave the house with­out them want­i­ng to give me a hug and kiss good­bye (I am not com­plain­ing, I also real­ize it won’t last for­ev­er and to cher­ish it)

So why the fuck am I so upset and so depressed. I am sur­round­ed with lov­ing peo­ple. Why does my world feel like it’s crum­bling? Why do I feel like I don’t care about any­thing. Why does my life suck.

Is it real­ly because I want more mem­o­ry in my PC or that I want that G4 Power­book and I don’t have the mon­ey to get it RIGHT NOW!? It awful­ly seems pet­ty if that is so.

But I don’t think that is it. It’s some­thing deeper.

Could it be that I feel like maybe I have start­ed down a lone­ly path that takes me fur­ther and fur­ther away from God? While Amy seems to be start­ing on a path that is tak­ing her closer–without me?

I just don’t know. Why does every­thing have to be so damn com­pli­cat­ed and confusing.

I am just sick of it. I am sick of me…

Cur­rent­ly in my iPod (I have been mean­ing to update this):

  • Car Wash… Christi­na Aguil­era & Mis­sy Elliot
  • Lit­tle Grass Shack… Amy Hanaiali’i
  • Lose My Breath… Des­tiny’s Child
  • Hol­ly­wood USA… RuPaul
  • Hold­ing Out For a Hero... Jen­nifer Saun­ders (Shrek 2)
  • Funky­town (Kin­da fitting)
  • The Huk­i­lau Song… Amy Hanaiali’i
  • Who is it & Ocea­nia… Bjork

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