I am really sick of life right now.
I really don’t know why. I am tired of it. I am just fed up and done. Even shopping didn’t make me feel better. (For those of you who really know me… this is my therapy.) Everything I bought I turned into a negative.
For instance, I bought this expensive component cable that is used to make your DVD picture really clear. I have wanted one forever, I finally got one today, and all I could think of was that I would now have to get behind my TV, mess with all that shit and try and get everything rewired and it would be too much work and it really isn’t worth the hassle. Now, normally I would be ecstatic and not wait to get it all set-up. I got it set-up, but I was just bitchin the whole time.
I guess I am just fed up with no money, not getting straight answers out of people when I ask them straight questions, not enough time with my kids (I rarely get to see Courtney… by the time she is home from school, I need to leave for work), I have no social life, I have only a few friends in this huge world and I don’t even get to hang out with any of them, no one reads this blog or even uses the forum.
That is one that really gets me. I set up this forum, so that my family (which has a ton of internet users) could use it as a resource to share thoughts, recipes, news, tips, etc. I am the only one who ever posted and like 3 other people. That is it. What a waste of space.
I set up this blog so that I could share my thoughts, my rage, my happiness, news etc. with people I care about (since I am somewhat of a recluse and just keep to my family) so that they could know what is going on in my life and so that on some level we are still connecting. They can even leave comments on their thoughts to my thoughts and we can connect.
But no one reads it except me and maybe a few others… sporadically.
All these ideas I have and I can’t get them to go. I hate it.
I hate that I always feel tired. I hate that I am fat and no matter what I try to do about it, something stops me and I can’t move forward.
I hate that I am materialistic and want so much. Sometimes more than needs. But I blame my upbringing for that. My dad and My great-aunt only knew how to show affection by buying things. My mom at least would always say I love you and hug me. I cannot remember the last time my father’s family told me they truly loved me other than a “You know I love ya”
At least Amy’s parents both make me feel special. Her dad has claimed me as one of his own (so I have been told–he sure does make me feel like one of his own) and her mom calls me her Bert Baby and always makes me feel loved and accepted. So does the rest of Amy’s family. And my children. I can’t leave the house without them wanting to give me a hug and kiss goodbye (I am not complaining, I also realize it won’t last forever and to cherish it)
So why the fuck am I so upset and so depressed. I am surrounded with loving people. Why does my world feel like it’s crumbling? Why do I feel like I don’t care about anything. Why does my life suck.
Is it really because I want more memory in my PC or that I want that G4 Powerbook and I don’t have the money to get it RIGHT NOW!? It awfully seems petty if that is so.
But I don’t think that is it. It’s something deeper.
Could it be that I feel like maybe I have started down a lonely path that takes me further and further away from God? While Amy seems to be starting on a path that is taking her closer–without me?
I just don’t know. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated and confusing.
I am just sick of it. I am sick of me…
Currently in my iPod (I have been meaning to update this):
- Car Wash… Christina Aguilera & Missy Elliot
- Little Grass Shack… Amy Hanaiali’i
- Lose My Breath… Destiny’s Child
- Hollywood USA… RuPaul
- Holding Out For a Hero... Jennifer Saunders (Shrek 2)
- Funkytown (Kinda fitting)
- The Hukilau Song… Amy Hanaiali’i
- Who is it & Oceania… Bjork